I was right.
The respite was temporary. After a week of fairly easy going — with a business trip thrown in for good measure — the screaming hunger pangs came back in full force yesterday. Also back: hopelessless. I have fewer than 48 hours before this is over and despite serious attempts to talk some sense into myself, I'm fairly certain I’m never going to make it.
I’ve tried for a day or so to find words to describe the empty feeling in my core. I’m typically one who thinks in colors and often they're cliché. Black would seem to make sense here, but it’s not right. The color I'm feeling has more depth than black. More texture. More angst. Which I didn't think possible.
Other charming things:
There’s an awful taste in my mouth that I'm pretty sure everyone can smell. I don’t know what that means, exactly. But I’m pretty sure of it.
I can’t focus my attention. At all. On anything. Driving to church today was nigh on impossible, which is just what you want in a moving vehicle.
Just before “dinner” last night, I lost my ability to cope with even the smallest irritant. Fortunately, I haven’t yet lost my ability to realize that’s where I am, so I haven’t yet followed through on a sincere desire to strangle someone, anyone, to within an inch of her life.
So, it’s 8:02 p.m. the evening before the day before surgery. It sucks. And it’s almost over.
The end.
Wowie. OMG. WTF. JC! That's all I got. You have the support and love and admiration of MANY, and I still know that you are in this, not alone, but by yourself. It's the surgeons and nurses and hosptial staff who will shepherd you through the physical part of this successfully, but it's YOU who will be the sole bearer of the emotional and psych part of this journey. And you're just the woman to do it!!! I am so looking forward to seeing you on the "done" side of the trip, seeing you in all your healthy glory. There. With years more ahead to plan for fun times we can get together. Six syllables: Rock on, rock on, rock on. Love. (ok, seven).
ReplyDeleteWow, this prep part really blows. I'm sorry. I won't pretend to understand how you feel and I certainly don't have any magic words to make you feel better. But you WILL make it. You will make it. You will make it. I think that would just be running on a ticker tape through my head constantly because that would be the only way I could make it through, not that I would ever have that chance, because I can tell you FOR SURE that I would never have the strength to tackle this. But you're stronger than me. Way stronger. And you will make it. And if you need to bite off a few heads in the interim, well so be it. Bite 'em baby.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're struggling so on the home stretch. We're rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very strong woman BZH and you can and will survive this. They say that if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I know with your renewed faith and the support of many, you will come through it and there are many brighter days ahead. Hang in there and we are thinking of you from many miles away. Love you.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning! As requested, spoke to Robert - he's got your back :) !!
ReplyDelete