Speeding bullets

So, it’s been too long since I last posted and I can’t really figure out where to start. So, like my friend bzzzzgrrrl, I'll resort to bullet points:

• A morphine pump is a beautiful thing. I’m just sayin’.

• Morphine isn’t nearly as wonderful as the drugs they put in your IV before they wheel you into surgery. I don’t know what those are called and it’s probably best.

• Biggest lesson learned: I would rather be in pain than be vulnerable and flat on my back. Prone and vulnerable, especially in a gown that doesn’t close in the back, is my biggest nightmare.

• My Greek surgeon was assisted by a Russian fellow and an Iranian-born anesthesiologist wearing cowboy boots. I feel like I should have come out of surgery at least bilingual.

• Getting out of a hospital bed and into a hospital bathroom and out of the bathroom and back into bed, attached to an IV stand that plugs into the wall and wearing a gown that doesn’t close in the back, ought to be an Olympic sport.

• I don’t have a wealth of experience, but for my money, I’ll take a male nurse every time.

• Removing 80 percent of your stomach is one cure for hunger pangs.

• There are some seriously tasty protein shakes on the market. And some seriously not. The seriously not will find their way into your life first and cause you to lose hope. Be strong. Tasty’s just around the bend.

• Lortab elixir doesn’t compare to morphine. Which is probably best.

• A surprising number of people like to look at incisions. Lucky for me. I like to show mine off.

• Overdoing it is way easier than it looks.

• The only person who can save me from myself is my mother. How cliché is that?

• True love is sitting across the table from four family members who are eating Five Guys burgers and fries while you drink an Orangeade clear protein shake, and not ripping anyone’s throat out.

• There are few feelings as wonderful as tasting real food for the first time in a month. Even if it’s Greek yogurt. And even if it’s pureed.

• Yes, even Greek yogurt must be pureed.

• A hard-boiled egg pureed with a bit of Ranch dressing is heavenly when you haven’t eaten in a month. And it’s still heaven nearly a week later.

• Recovering from surgery is no excuse not to drop into Williams-Sonoma and pick up a splatter screen on sale.

• Watching my parents drive away after nearly two weeks together made me terribly sad. No one is more surprised by that than I am.

• I never imagined it possible to spend an entire day sleeping, reading and being quiet. Turns out, it’s more than possible. It’s awesome.

• I wonder how much longer I’ll feel that way?

• Finally, the big news: I haven’t had any diabetes meds for more than two weeks. For the past six days, my blood sugars have been normal.

• Translate: It worked, friends. It worked.

Peace and love to you.